Courage to be Disliked：The so-called freedom is to be disliked by others.
Hello, welcome to the “A Book a Day” channel. Today, I will share with you a book called “Courage to be Disliked.” This is a book where one brilliant person interprets the work of another brilliant person.
The first brilliant person is the author of this book, Ichiro Kishimi. He is a highly influential philosopher from Japan. When Kishimi was 30 years old, he encountered the teachings of another brilliant person — Alfred Adler’s psychology — and since then, he has devoted himself wholeheartedly to the study of Adler’s ideas. “Courage to be Disliked” introduces Kishimi’s research on Adler’s psychology.
Alfred Adler, whose full name is Alfred Adler, was an Austrian psychologist. He was a contemporary of Sigmund Freud and was initially a follower of Freud’s ideas. However, Adler later became the first person to oppose Freud’s psychoanalytic theory, and they went their separate ways due to their divergent views. In simple terms, Freud believed that your current situation is a result of your past experiences, your environment, and other people around you. But Adler disagreed and believed that your current situation is solely determined by yourself. Adler established his own approach and created “individual psychology.”
After reading this book, I have a strong feeling that Adler’s ideas are highly relevant in our present era. In this age, both technology and ideas are rapidly evolving, and to a large extent, you need the ability to keep climbing in your own path. For example, we often see many young and accomplished individuals who achieve great success and enjoy high honors at a young age. However, sustaining this kind of achievement is often challenging for them. This is because once they no longer have an abundance of praise and applause around them, they often struggle to cope. They haven’t established a solid internal system of self-esteem.
Adler’s ideas will tell you that your success and happiness have nothing to do with other people; everything depends on yourself. Adler’s ideas will help you establish this internal system of self-esteem.
At first glance, you might think that this sounds like self-help or motivational fluff. But it really isn’t. Unlike self-help fluff, which sounds reasonable at first but lacks logical consistency and practicality upon closer examination, Adler’s ideas are based on a rigorous logical deduction. The conclusions drawn are not only reasonable when you hear them, but they can also withstand careful scrutiny and debates with others.
Furthermore, in this book, Ichiro Kishimi adopts a format similar to philosophical classics like “Analects” and “The Republic” — a dialogue format. The entire book consists of dialogues between a youth and a philosopher, with the youth asking questions and the philosopher answering them. Kishimi uses this format to express Adler’s ideas because it is easy to understand, but more importantly, he wants to tell us that Adler’s ideas belong not only to the field of clinical psychology but also to philosophy. This book discusses more philosophical issues.
Next, I will share this book with you in two parts. The first part will discuss the reasons why we feel unhappy, and the second part will talk about how to have the so-called “Courage to be Disliked,” which is Adler’s perspective on finding freedom and happiness.
Alright, let’s dive into the first part. According to Adler, whose fault is our unhappiness? Where do our troubles originate from?
Before answering this question, it’s necessary to discuss one of Adler’s core ideas, which is that you can make your own choices. Specifically, your life is not bestowed upon you by others; it is a result of your own choices. Your choices are unrelated to other people and the experiences of the past. This is the fundamental difference between Adler and Freud.
For example, in this book, the author mentions a female student who suffers from a fear of facing people. Whenever she is in front of others, she blushes uncontrollably. She wants to cure this fear of blushing no matter what. The philosopher asks her, “If you were cured of this fear of blushing, what would you like to do?” The girl replies that there is a boy she likes and wants to pursue a relationship with, but because of this blushing problem, she has never dared to confess her feelings. She also expresses that once her fear of blushing is cured, she will immediately confess to him.
Upon hearing this, your initial reaction might be, “How can this girl have such unhappiness, and who is responsible for it?” It could be attributed to childhood humiliation inflicted by her parents, causing her to fear strangers. Or perhaps she experienced severe emotional damage in past romantic relationships?
If you think this way, Freud would likely agree with your viewpoint. Using past experiences, especially childhood psychological traumas, to explain present unhappiness seems logical. However, Adler doesn’t see it that way. Adler argues that if we solely rely on past causes to explain things, we fall into an absolute judgment: our present and even our future are completely determined by past experiences and are impossible to change. This viewpoint is called “causal determinism.” In contrast to causal determinism, Adler advocates for a “teleological” approach.
The teleological approach would say that the reason why the girl suffers from a fear of blushing and can’t seem to cure it is not because she hasn’t found the right treatment, but because her unhappiness is her own choice. How can this be explained? According to Adler, the thing the girl fears the most and wants to avoid at all costs is being rejected by the person she likes, the potential blow and self-negation that may come with a failed romantic relationship. However, as long as the fear of blushing syndrome exists, she can think, “The reason I can’t pursue a relationship with him is all because of this fear of blushing.” This way, she can avoid summoning the courage to confess her feelings and even convince herself that it’s okay if she gets rejected. More importantly, she can hold on to the thought that “If my fear of blushing is cured, I can also have love” and continue living in a fantasy.
Of course, this fear of blushing syndrome is not something she imagined; it is a real condition. However, it is still her own choice.
Through the previous example, let’s briefly review Adler’s core idea. Adler says that the reason you are unhappy right now is because you have chosen “unhappiness” for yourself. The reason you cannot change is because you have made a determination not to change.
Now let’s talk about a phenomenon we are all familiar with: inferiority complex. It describes the negative emotional experience that arises from underestimating oneself when comparing to others. By the way, Adler was the first person to explain the concept of “inferiority complex.” The term in German also means “inferiority feeling” and refers to a self-evaluation of lacking value and feeling insignificant.
In Adler’s view, everyone actually experiences feelings of inferiority. However, inferiority complex is not a bad thing. Why? Adler says that as human beings, we exist as beings with limitations in this world. Everyone wishes to overcome this sense of powerlessness, so everyone strives for superiority and progress. Toddlers learning to stand up and walk are pursuing superiority; they learn language to communicate with others, again pursuing superiority. The continuous progress of science throughout human history is also a result of the pursuit of superiority.
It can be said that “inferiority complex” is a driving force for people to continually pursue excellence. Inferiority complex keeps individuals aware of their shortcomings and motivates them to strive for improvement. However, you can surely think of many people in life who become overly negative due to their inferiority complex. They do nothing and conclude that they are incapable, making it difficult to change. What is the reason behind this? Adler says that in such cases, it should not be called “inferiority complex” but rather “inferiority neurosis.”
Inferiority neurosis refers to when some people use their inferiority complex as an excuse. For example, thoughts like “I can’t find a partner because I’m not attractive” or “I can’t succeed because I have a low education.” These sweeping conclusions that attribute the inability to accomplish something to a specific trait or condition go beyond the scope of inferiority complex and become a form of inferiority neurosis. Moreover, Adler emphasizes that this inferiority neurosis is still one’s own choice.
Upon hearing this, you may ask why some people “choose” to adopt an inferiority neurosis as their protective shield. To answer that in one sentence, it is because they want to “avoid getting hurt in relationships with others.” In Adler’s view, interpersonal relationships are the source of all troubles and negative emotions.
Why is that? Imagine if someone wants to achieve the goal of “not getting hurt in a relationship,” how would most people act? It’s quite simple — they would become individuals who only focus on their own shortcomings and try to minimize involvement in interpersonal relationships. By hiding in their own shell and minimizing connections with others, they can avoid potential rejection or harm. In case they are rejected or hurt, they can console themselves by saying, “It’s because of this flaw that I am rejected. If I didn’t have this flaw, people would like me.” Essentially, as long as they choose to use their unhappiness as a weapon, they will continue to need that unhappiness.
Besides inferiority neurosis, another common psychological issue arising from interpersonal relationships is “superiority complex.” It refers to individuals who constantly compare themselves to others and excessively showcase their superiority. These individuals want to appear “special” by taking advantage of others’ misfortunes. They constantly strive to outshine others. Are these individuals truly happy? Definitely not. They experience anxiety and unease whenever they perceive someone surpassing them, and they may resort to any means necessary to reclaim their sense of superiority.
As you can see, anyone who exists within this complex social network will experience troubles. Therefore, Adler says, “All human troubles stem from interpersonal relationships. If you want to eliminate troubles, perhaps the only way is to live alone in the universe.”
That concludes the content of the first part. Adler believes that all troubles stem from interpersonal relationships. What determines our current situation is not past experiences but the meaning we attribute to those experiences. Your current circumstances are a result of your own choices. From this perspective, Adler’s psychology is also a psychology of “courage.” If you are someone who is striving to overcome challenges, if you are someone who is not satisfied with the status quo and is striving to climb another peak in life, you need the courage to actively attribute meaning to past experiences, the courage to choose change, and the courage to be disliked in various relationships.
In the following second part, we will specifically discuss how to attain the “Courage to be Disliked” and find a state of freedom and happiness.
Starting from the viewpoint that “all troubles stem from interpersonal relationships,” Adler believes that each of us faces three major life tasks: the “task of work,” the “task of friendship,” and the “task of love.”
At first glance, you may say that these three tasks are all intertwined with our complex social network. Does that mean that in order to handle these tasks well, we have to invest a great deal of effort into others and strive to maintain our network of relationships? Certainly not. Adler says that to handle these three tasks, we don’t rely on others; we rely on ourselves. Adler aims to help us establish a complete system of self-esteem from within.
The establishment of this system requires concrete actions and psychological development.
Let’s start with the action aspect. Let’s begin with a common phenomenon: a child who doesn’t enjoy studying, doesn’t pay attention in class, neglects homework, and spends all their time playing games. If you were a parent, what would you do? In most cases, you would try every means to make the child study. Enrolling them in tutoring classes, hiring tutors, and sometimes resorting to strict discipline if they don’t complete their homework. However, you can imagine that these coercive methods rarely make the child genuinely develop a love for learning. Of course, some parents may focus on nurturing their child’s interest in learning.
But from Adler’s perspective, that doesn’t matter. The first thing you should consider is not “how to make the child study,” but rather: whose task is it whether the child studies or not? Learning is the child’s task. In contrast, when parents command their children to study, it is an unwarranted interference in someone else’s task. This inevitably leads to conflicts.
We must distinguish between our own tasks and others’ tasks.
As mentioned earlier, Adler says that all troubles stem from interpersonal relationships. Here, we can take it a step further: the troubles caused by interpersonal relationships actually arise from unwarranted interference in others’ tasks or having our own tasks interfered with by others. As long as we can engage in “task separation,” significant changes will occur in interpersonal relationships.
At this point, you may still disagree, thinking that making a child study is the responsibility and obligation of parents or at least a shared task between parents and children. How could it be considered unwarranted interference in someone else’s task? Actually, it’s quite simple. When judging whose task it is, you only need to consider one point: who will ultimately bear the consequences of that choice. If the child chooses not to study, the outcomes of that decision, such as poor grades or not getting into a good school, are borne not by the parents but by the child themselves. Therefore, studying is the child’s task.
However, it’s important to note that this doesn’t mean Adler’s psychology promotes permissiveness. Permissiveness is an attitude of not knowing or not wanting to know what the child is doing. Adler’s ideas are not about permissiveness; he advocates for protection based on understanding what the child is doing.
Parents should be ready to provide ample support to their child and refrain from interfering when the child doesn’t seek help. This is task separation. You need to differentiate the task of helping your child achieve success from the task of the child’s own learning. “Task separation” is a crucial step in establishing an internal system of self-esteem, and it serves as a practical guideline for action.
After discussing the behavioral aspect, let’s now examine how to establish a stable internal system of self-esteem on the psychological level.
We all know that as social beings, humans naturally seek recognition. No one enjoys being criticized or disliked by others.
Let’s conduct a thought experiment: starting from the innate desire for recognition and the aversion to rejection, what would we need to do in order not to be disliked by anyone? There can only be one most effective answer, which is to constantly gauge the reactions of others and show loyalty to everyone you come into contact with.
For example, if there are 10 people around you, you would make a promise to all of them: “I will strive to satisfy you.” However, please note that a major contradiction awaits you in this scenario. Because you desperately want to avoid being disliked, you would show loyalty to these 10 people. But the reality is often such that no one can satisfy everyone. The promise you made would soon be exposed as unrealistic, resulting in a loss of credibility and increased personal distress. In short, living to fulfill others’ expectations and entrusting your entire life to others is not taking responsibility for the people around you or for yourself.
In contrast, Adler’s psychology negates the pursuit of approval from others. Adler says that the pursuit of recognition from others stifles your freedom. We don’t live to fulfill others’ expectations, and others don’t live to fulfill our expectations. If we constantly seek approval and care about others’ evaluations, we will ultimately live in the lives of others.
Therefore, according to Adler, true freedom is having the courage to be disliked by others. However, this does not mean that being disliked is a state we should actively pursue. Adler wants to convey that being disliked is evidence of living a free life, of living according to our own principles.
To exercise freedom, one must pay a price. In interpersonal relationships, the price of freedom is not being accepted by everyone. In other words, “not wanting to be disliked” is my concern, but whether “you dislike me” or not is not my concern; it is your task.
Finally, let’s discuss how Adler’s psychology views values and happiness.
As mentioned earlier, Adler believes that interpersonal relationships are the source of all troubles. However, Adler also states that interpersonal relationships are simultaneously the source of happiness.
The happiness that interpersonal relationships bring can be either “lower-level happiness” or “higher-level happiness.”
Lower-level happiness is derived from comparison within interpersonal relationships. For example, when you were in school, if your test scores were better than those of your classmates and you consistently ranked first, you would feel happy. In your job, if your income is higher than that of your peers, you would feel happy. After having children, if your child is more outstanding than other children, you would still feel happy. However, Adler says that this kind of happiness can only be considered a lower-level happiness. Your happiness must be built upon some form of unhappiness in others.
On the other hand, higher-level happiness comes from the “community feeling” within interpersonal relationships. This is a key point in Adler’s psychology. As Ichiro Kishimi, the author, states, without understanding this point, it is impossible to comprehend Adler’s psychology. So, what is the “community feeling”? It is essentially a sense of continuous contribution.
Family, school, and workplace can all be considered communities. In the family community, your happiness comes from being needed by your family members. In the workplace community, you can create value for the company and also experience happiness. However, we often see that some people immediately lose their spirit upon retirement because they are no longer needed. This is a sudden loss of the “contribution feeling” within the community, and they feel unhappy.
On the contrary, there are some wealthy individuals who have amassed fortunes that they cannot spend in their lifetime, yet many of them continue to work diligently. Why do they continue to work? Is it because they have greater desires? Certainly not. What they still need is to maintain a sense of contribution to society as a whole. This kind of happiness does not come from comparing oneself to others.
This is what Adler refers to as the “community feeling,” a continuous and valuable sense of contribution to others. However, it is important to note that this sense of contribution is still independent of others. Adler opposes sacrificing oneself for the sake of the community. Adler emphasizes that this sense of happiness can also be achieved in invisible forms. The starting point and endpoint of your pursuit of happiness still lie within yourself. Although your contribution and value are manifested within the community, the final outcome is still independent of others, and you do not need the approval or reciprocation of others.
Lastly, I’d like to share my own thoughts. Have you noticed that Adler’s advocated mindset, when applied to today, can be described with a more vivid term: “closed loop.” More precisely, it should be “closing the loop within oneself.” It means that your actions and thoughts should form a closed loop within yourself. For example, when you praise someone, you unconsciously want them to accept your praise; when you apologize to someone, you pay special attention to whether they will forgive you. But Adler’s philosophy tells us that these things are not important. What matters is that you believe in doing them, and that they hold meaning for you. I once read an article by Wan Weigang titled “Apologies at the Elite Level.” It mentioned that elite apologies do not focus on whether they can regain trust, but rather on “what kind of person you want to become.” Elite apologies emphasize the lessons learned and the progress made from the incident. They don’t seek to control whether the other person forgives them; they only control themselves.
Perhaps this is the “elite spirit” that our era truly needs.
Lastly, the author of this book, Ichiro Kishimi, also mentions that in order to truly understand Adler’s psychology, it requires “half of your lifetime up to your current age.” In other words, if you start learning at the age of 40, it would take 20 years to master it. A little over 20 minutes of listening to an audiobook is not enough to fully encompass Adler’s philosophical ideas. If you are interested in this theory, I also encourage you to read the original book. If you discover any valuable ideas from the book, feel free to share them in the comments section. Congratulations on completing another book! See you next time~
